Josh Goldberg | How Story Helps Build Appreciation for Life

So when you think about that story and you think think about appreciation for life certainly one of the things that is important to have in your life is gratitude – a recognition and the ability to be appreciative and grateful for the things you have in your life – but the more important part is something we talked about previously, which is reflecting upon and changing your priorities about what truly matters. And it may not be so much changing as refining and reconnecting to those priorities in a different setting, because as warriors, the truth is you know a lot about what truly matters in life.

When you return back to the civilian world, it can be challenging where the priority set is vastly different. I was raised in that civilian world where personal gain was more important than collective good and service, where the individual was more important than the team. And so it may be that in this world of appreciation for life, you want to return back to those values that you realize are so important and so critical, that are really a part of what it means to be a warrior and part of the warrior way of life.

So when we think about appreciation for life and story, there’s a number of things that allow us to integrate that sense of gratitude and that sense of priorities into our new story. The first is a growth mindset. No matter how good we get at struggling well, the reality of all of our lives is they will still be filled with ups and downs, with struggle and with success, and we have to mine each of those experiences – the good and the bad – in order to learn more about ourselves, to learn more about others, to learn more about the world – and hopefully at this juncture that’s obvious. We have to remain curious and growth-minded as we navigate life. We have to stay open.

The second thing that can help you integrate appreciation for life into your life is connection – both internal connection and external connection. That connection is derived from the right kind of practices and the right kind of people.

The third is reflection. Taking time away to reflect upon your life, to reflect upon your priorities, to reflect upon what matters – what you’re grateful for – is a critical part of life. And the ability to engage in this reflection is hopefully a reminder of how far you’ve come at appreciating solitude. Because when you’re struggling, and struggling deeply, being alone is a scary prospect. I know it was for me. Without music, without distractions, without interruptions, having to listen to that voice inside can be a dangerous thing – but when you can find and enjoy solitude, and being with yourself in reflection, and you have the ability to leverage that, you can find epiphanies regularly.

The fourth thing that can help you is the recognition that you are in charge of your own life. That you were ultimately in the driver’s seat, and you get to make the choices. It’s important to understand the distinction between destiny and fate. Fate is going through our conditioning, and our patterns, and our habits, and our training, and experiences without ever really being mindful of why we do what we do. We are mostly operating from an unconscious place. The alternative is doing the hard work to dive deeply into that cave that we fear to enter and to make the unconscious conscious. We begin to realize that we don’t have to be a hostage or a victim to our past, and we find out that we’re in control of our life, that the choices that we make create opportunities in our life, opportunities that fill us with gratitude and appreciation.

The fifth is an appreciation of our mortality. We are big believers and conduct a eulogy exercise – and one of the greatest stories in the context of eulogies is that of Alfred Nobel. In 1888, an obituary appears in a paper in France declaring that Alfred Nobel, the merchant of death, died in France. And Alfred Nobel was the person who invented dynamite and contributed to lots of death that took place in the world – but the truth was that Nobel hadn’t died – his brother Ludvig had died – and Nobel saw that obituary and he was horrified. And he was horrified because he thought he was living a meaningful and productive life. He invented dynamite because he wanted wars to be shorter and wanted to provide a mechanism for less people to die in industrial accidents and he saw that how he was going to be remembered was as a merchant of death. So for the last seven years of Alfred nobel’s life, he committed with a vengeance to working hard to change that – and I think that’s the key to the story, the story of his life with intention and with purpose. He changed things, and we know that because when we think about Alfred Nobel now, we think about the Peace Prize. So this notion and this recognition that at some point people are going to be talking about us when we’re not present, it helps to focus the mind and allows us to focus on what priorities should truly matter in our life and how those priorities affect our day-to-day actions and behavior.

A sixth thing that drives your story forward in the context of appreciation for life, is the content that you consume. And this is all about standing guard at the gate of your own mind. I seek to fill my mind, and my ears, and my eyes with content that is supportive of a growth mindset, and hope, and choice, and possibility, and that could be the stories of other people – could be interesting things about neuroscience or emotions or post-traumatic growth. The point is, I’m very thoughtful about what I take into my mind to make sure that it is helping foster the right kind of mindset. And it’s important to realize that we’re affected not just by the people we’re surrounded by, but what we take in in terms of social media, TV, magazines, books, and reading.

And a seventh and final thing is your three to five. Your three to five has the ability to make a profound effect on your willingness to integrate appreciation for life into your life and also in terms of what your priorities are. Those folks will affect your priorities and the lens through which you see life, either positively or negatively. And continuing to be thoughtful and considerate about the people you surround yourself with is critical because you remember you were the average of the three to five people you spend the most time with.

So those are just a list of some of the ways you can ensure that appreciation for life is integrated as part of your new story. The second thing I want to talk about when it comes to story and appreciation for life is the connection between appreciation for life and the other domains of PTG, because as we’ve talked about, those things are really interconnected. One of the core aspects of Posttraumatic growth is this notion that there’s a before and an after. Before the traumatic experiences, before the struggle and after the struggle, and after the struggle you get the opportunity, like a phoenix, to really decide what matters to you next, what matters to you now. That provides you with the ultimate and new possibilities to decide how your life is framed and what it’s built upon, what is important in your life, and what you pursue and what you don’t pursue.

When it comes to appreciation for life and deeper relationship we’ve talked about the idea that a good life is built on good relationships, that in so many ways you’re going to be able to appreciate life far better when you’re doing life with people who share your priorities and who push you to be a better version of yourself. When we think about appreciation for life and personal strength, we know that when you are deeply tapped in and living in accordance with what is important to you, you have a sense of resolve and strength that’s unmatched – unmatched – and you’re not wanting things from outside of yourself to fill a void because you realize how much you already have and how grateful you can be for your life and the blessings that exist in your life.

The last is appreciation for life and spiritual and existential change – and in so many ways, when we think about this domain of spiritual and existential change, it is about the experience of finding joy and experiencing joy, finding meaning in our lives. Ralph Waldo Emerson talked about the idea that the purpose of life isn’t to be happy – the purpose of life is to figure out who we are and to see that reflected and impacting upon the people around us. And so this journey to understand who we are ties directly into this idea of appreciation for life and the shift and priorities that often happens. So as you think about all of this, I hope and I assume that the role of gratitude and appreciation for life and the importance of real priorities that matter to you, are part of your new story.

Those are just some of our thoughts. Now I want you to reflect on yours. First, what past experience demonstrates to you that you have the ability to cultivate appreciation for life? Where have you demonstrated to yourselves, and to others, that you have the ability to cultivate that appreciation based on how we’ve defined it? The second is, what skills, strengths, and abilities do you possess that best equip you to cultivate appreciation for life? That could include your experiences and your past training? The third is, what does your life look like, and who are you in that life when you are cultivating and enjoying appreciation for life? Who are you and what does that look like in your life?